A news of a dying loved one can make us undergo a series of emotional turmoils. Most of religions have their own interpretations of what happens to us after death. Whether we are members of a religion or not, it is natural for us to experience a certain degree of fear when we talk about death especially when we cannot exactly know what our loved one is experiencing.

To varying degrees, we all react to fear with a “flight or fight” response. When you first receive news of a loved one’s impending death, you may be surprised that you initially struggle to inform others or clear your calendar and make time for visits. Or, you may focus upon medical issues and even become angry that a certain diagnosis wasn’t made clearer to your loved one sooner. More difficult emotions may arise, and since we cannot flee from or fight and defeat death, these emotions can be transferred toward other issues in our lives, or even other people.

Family tensions that are normal on a day to day basis may become heightened as we shift our feelings from the situation we cannot ultimately control. One example of the “flight response” is how the distant aunt or close by son who is reluctant to visit may become the focus of attention. And this transfer of underlying emotions can easily shift between “flight” and “fight.” A small issue could become an angry confrontation. The aunt or son, for example, might very well eventually arrive for a visit, but because they too were struggling with their own “flight” response and arrived somewhat later than everyone else, may find themselves the recipients of angry stares or remarks.

These and similar dynamics are part of the “pre-grieving” process. It is commonly called, “anticipatory grief” by medical staff, social workers and chaplains. It is important to recognize the subtle fear that underlies the many other emotions we are experiencing before and during visits with our loved one. It is equally important to know that this fear is a normal reflex to any stressful situation. This helps us to refocus our thoughts and feelings toward our loved one, giving them and ourselves the best possible scenario for their final months, weeks, days or hours with us.

Once we overcome our fears toward death and dying, we begin to see that our loved ones are having similar or even stronger feelings about the entire situation. Our energies can be harnessed toward giving them comfort and encouragement. How we do this relies on how close we are with the dying person as well as their own personalities. Dying is a serious matter, but it need not be dismal. A healthy dose of humor can be an excellent way for family and friends to be with their loved one.

Observe the dying loved one’s carefully. If they feel frolic, you can tell them an enjoyable story such as a funny moment during a past family event or something silly from the youngest members. Don’t hesitate to hold their hands and look into their eyes. Don’t hold back in telling them how much you love them. We cannot alter the fact that death is a tough experience. so it is important to express our gratitude and love in order to make their last moments memorable for everyone.

Discover how Chaplain Marilyn Morris helps people whose loved ones are dying. Find out how her stories inform and edify you as you deal with or help others with dying loved ones. This free 45 minute podcast provides wonderfully helpful yet “gentle” insights, ideas & tips. www.DeathDying.org